about my last post

A few days after I wrote the previous post, I was walking to the supermarket, when something dawned on me quite suddenly.

You'll remember that one of the reasons I gave for not wanting to write an autobiography was because of how traumatic it would be to dwell on who I was in the past. I talked about how there's a part of me that yearns to be wiser and to make fewer mistakes.

Now, this is the thought that came to me. If I can't bear to recall my past because of my past weaknesses, then what does that say about me now?

It begs the question: Why do I want to be wiser?
Is it to enjoy the view from up there in the clouds, looking down at everyone I am wiser than?
Is it a love of knowledge? Is this all to feel a greater sense of achievement?

These things are so empty. Humanity can be so fickle and proud, that it kids itself that it will ever be satisfied with things like achievements and recognition.

So, if I can't bear to recall my past weaknesses, indeed, that in itself is because of a weakness: my pride. I was assuming that I have gotten wiser over time, but pride so often lurks in the background, thriving off of the back of an inflated ego. It's these moments of revelation that offer something of worth.

I think that all this bottles down to where my self-worth lies. If it is in myself, my achievements etc., it is nothing but pride, and my self-worth is honestly just a self-constructed illusion - there is no real worth there.
But if God exists, and it's in him, then I have a lasting motivation to improve. I just don't go around expecting to take the credit for my progress.